


World War Me

by Doodlekins



Category: the GazettE (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Addiction, pls read the warnings, this is hella sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24171970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doodlekins/pseuds/Doodlekins
Summary: DISCLAIMER: If you are sensitive to any material regarding alcoholism or eating disorders please DO NOT read this fic.The knowledge of the destruction was mutual and with so many years to their relationship and so many more for their friendship, they knew this wasn’t a topic of discussion. They loved one another through the faults and accepted the other as they were.Takanori couldn’t help but wonder if this is what brought them together.Did Yuu love him so much he could turn a blind eye if that meant no one acknowledged his own self destruction.
Relationships: Aoi/Ruki (the GazettE)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	World War Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I’ve been working on since February 2019 and just now finished. Thanks but no thanks 2020 Quarantine. This is NOT a part of my Them Sad Bois Aoiki Series. This is a stand alone fic. I have been trying to finish up my forgotten fics that have been left to die in my google docs.   
> *disclaimer* I am in no way insinuating that Yuu is an alcoholic or that Takanori has an eating disorder irl. I am just writing out all this because that’s how we heal, right?

Takanori sat with his legs crossed. The hours, the minutes, the seconds were ticking by. His cigarette wastefully burned between his fingers as he gazed at the foot traffic passing by. Waves of people coming and going by the busy crosswalk but he could barely get himself to focus. His mind fluttering elsewhere. Never focused on the present but often floating. Catching on someone’s shoulder as their flashy bag caught his eye before being torn away by someone’s impressive polished leather shoes. His nails drummed against the side of the warm coffee cup. His third for today. No cream, no sugar. Just that rich boldness that warmed his body from the Inside out. He was on hour 28.

Hour 28 used to be easy. Getting over the dreaded 24 was always the first obstacle. From there it could be smooth sailing if Takanori played his cards right. ‘Just a little longer,’ he would promise himself, ‘it’ll be worth the wait.’ Another lie but he was an expert at gifting himself falsities. 

Unfortunately for today as he sat bundled up in a multitude of layers. The first pangs of hunger were starting to creep up. That nasty feeling he hated. He tried all his might to smother that horrid beast with coffee and smokes but it would not prevail. Gurgling and rumbling so loud that Takanori feigned a cough to hopefully drown it out from the other customers. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He got over the 24 mark, this is supposed to be easy. 

A pile of ash fell off the tip of his cigarette onto the table before he quickly took one last drag. Stubbing it out in the ashtray that sat in the center of the table between the napkins and sugar packets. 

‘You aren’t weak, you won’t give in.’ He wanted to scream at himself but settled for grimacing as the coffee sloshed around in his empty stomach. From hours 16 to present he had felt light and airy. At least until he got here. Tricking his mind that he’s full by filling up on overpriced coffee and complementary water. Each gulp weighing him down. Each sip adding another tick to his internal counter. The contrast from hot and cold to the burn of smoke eating away at his throat until it was raw and angry. 

These days it was all too easy. Gone were the days he had to keep track by notebook. Squirreled and stashed away where no one would find them. He was an expert by now. A calorie counting genius. Kouyou always poked fun at him for being a smart idiot. His friend was dead on in that sense. A grown man, in his 30s, suffering at the hands of this addiction that even he couldn’t claw out of. His phone could easily track his progress. Every new entry to catalog the disaster in its wake. It was safe, behind a fingerprint passcode, so his nosy peers couldn’t see. This was his own disaster in solitude. Where he could reflect on his choices and deem them worthy of praise or punishment. 

Checking the time it was almost time to start heading to the studio. They had a lot of work to do and maybe the distraction could be of some help. 

It didn’t help. Takanori was fumbling all over the place. Either in speech or his actions. He dropped his tablet several times and nearly passed out when he stood up too quickly. Grasping into the side of the table to get his footing before taking calculated steps to grab his to-go cup from the coffee shop. 

Yuu stopped absentmindedly strumming his acoustic to lean over the arm of the couch. “You ok?” He asked quietly. 

Takanori gave a crooked smile and a simple nod of his head. Was he really ok? Was he ever ok?

Yuu seemed dissatisfied with the answer but nodded back. Lips pressed tightly together because he wanted to say something, he wanted to point out all the things he saw before him but it wasn’t his place. It was never his place. Takanori made sure he knew that. 

Time ticked by. Takanori was in a haze. It felt like the harder he tried to focus, the more his brain would cloud up his thoughts. He rubbed at his eyes trying to get rid of the blurry film but with every new blink the black spots in his peripheral vision would return. 

He must have zoned out because Yuu tapping on his shoulder brought him out of his daydreaming. Raising his head up he could see that the room was now empty, except for them. When did people leave? What time was it?

“Let’s go to your place. I don’t want to go home yet.” It felt like Yuu was speaking to him in code. A patterned message that he tried to decode but felt stumped when trying to piece words together. 

Takanori nodded and grabbed his bag and phone from the coffee table. He let Yuu lead him out of the building. He clutched onto his arm as they walked because he honestly felt so dizzy that he wasn't sure he would make it without a strong person to hold him up.

Yuu patted Takanori's hands that buried themselves between the folds of the chunky knit sweater Yuu decided to wear that day. It felt like hugging a blanket and Takanori could hardly wait to be wrapped up in his warmth. Away from onlookers and away from distractions. Where the buzzing inside his head was his own brain cells frying away. He could pretend he was fine when no one could see through his sunken eyes. 

Back at his apartment was where Takanori felt safe. Warm. A content wave of satisfaction washing over him as he finally stepped into his own space. No eyes on him. Except for Yuu who understood him. In such a strange way that they never had to discuss their vices. They just knew. Takanori liked to think he was slick but who was he fooling. Yuu could sniff out lies like a bloodhound but he had the sense to not bring them up. He logged it away for another day. 

See, Yuu liked to drink. Every penny in his pocket would go to liquor. That was his vice as Takanori’s goal was to waste away before their very eyes. 

Yuu had his under control. Kept himself clean shaven, smartly dressed, and always on time. No one outside of their circle would be none-the-wiser of his excessive drinking. 

This is where they stood. Takanori did not mention the stale stench of liquor on Yuu’s breath on their nights together. In exchange, Yuu did not mention that every time he lovingly ran his fingers through Takanori’s hair his fingers would part with blond clumps. The knowledge of the destruction was mutual and with so many years to their relationship and so many more for their friendship, they knew this wasn’t a topic of discussion. They loved one another through the faults and accepted the other as they were. 

Takanori couldn’t help but wonder if this is what brought them together. 

Did Yuu love him so much he could turn a blind eye if that meant no one acknowledged his own self destruction. 

“Come outside with me.” Yuu motioned towards the patio door. He could really use a smoke but was uneasy leaving Takanori alone. His face would pale within a moment as if he was seconds away from fainting. It made him anxious and he didn’t want his boyfriend to be out of his line of vision.

Takanori shrugged and followed Yuu outside. Both of them leaning against the railing. A chill was spreading as the sun began to set in the distance. Hiding behind the grey buildings that dulled the soul out of this city with muted colors. 

After lighting a cigarette from his pack, Yuu wrapped an arm around Takanori’s middle. Pulling the smaller man into his embrace. Trying to wrap him up from the cold. Even if it was no use. Takanori would always shake like a leaf. Chilled down to his bones no matter the weather. 

Takanori liked when Yuu would hold him this close. He loved burying his face into Yuu’s neck as they passed a cigarette back and forth. The comfort of Yuu’s steady heartbeat against his cheek would release all his tension. They could stand in silence for hours but never grow bored. Wrapped up in their own thoughts that jumped from place to place. It felt like they never had to explain. Never had to fill the air with meaningless conversation. 

Breaking their silence was Takanori’s stomach letting out another pained growl. It was clear they both heard it as Takanori tensed in Yuu’s arms before being soothed by the guitarist’s fingers running up and down his arm. As much as Yuu wanted to beg and plead for Takanori to listen, it was never enough. He couldn’t change the minds of someone that wasn’t ready.

Yuu liked to smoke menthols but this left a sour taste in Takanori’s mouth. He hated that tingly feeling that spread down his throat with each inhale. It always felt like he swallowed a mouthful of mints and that would set off another rumble of his empty stomach. He still sucked eagerly at the filter with each pass to him. The nicotine was just another addiction that held him together. 

“Let’s get you warmed up.” Smoke poured from Yuu’s mouth as he spoke. Stubbing out the amber end against the ashtray Takanori left out on the concrete floor of his balcony. 

Takanori nodded while leading the way back inside. Enjoying the warmth that came from his tiny apartment. 

“I’ll make some coffee.” Yuu offered as he walked into the small kitchenette. 

“Thank you.” Takanori smiled at him as he sat at the countertop bar that separates the kitchen from the living room. 

“Just black?” He asked even though he knew the answer. 

“Just black.” The blond confirmed. Even if he wanted something else, there wasn’t any cream in his refrigerator. Sugar was an evil presence so he only allowed a substitute. This genetically made foolery that left a grainy film on his teeth but the lack of calories was favored over taste. 

Yuu was certain he could do this in his sleep. Making coffee for the two of them felt like second nature. Something so ritualistic that neither could think of a time they didn’t drink coffee together. It was something to keep Takanori alert and full while it brought Yuu out of his hangovers that lingered sometimes into the evening. An act that brought them together. A normal couple might consider a meal or a night out but they were so far from normal. 

Yuu scanned through a row of imported coffee bean jars before deciding on the last on the right. Using the spoon on the side to scoop out some of the ground up beans into the reusable filter of the very expensive coffee maker that Takanori gifted himself for his birthday. He refused to tell Yuu just how much it was but a quick google search had Yuu stunned that someone could pay over $500 for a coffee maker. He couldn’t believe it but after Takanori made them coffee using the brand new machine, he was hooked. He didn’t care if that made him seem like some elitist coffee snob. 

Over time Yuu had gotten accustomed to nice things. The change was slow and steady but Takanori took notice of the way Yuu acquired a taste for luxurious things. Not that Yuu didn’t enjoy spending money on himself. It was after being let into Takanori’s world that he had acquired a new eye for expensive things. Years ago Yuu would have scoffed at the idea that he would be wearing designer brand clothing while brewing imported coffee beans that cost more than his grocery bill for the month. 

Takanori sat patiently at the little counter by the kitchen. He loved the stillness between them as they watched the darkened liquid slowly drip from the spout. The soft pitter-pattering from the rain could be heard as it danced on the metal awning that was positioned outside the small kitchen window. It paired nicely with the continuous drip from the coffee maker. So calming that it could lull Takanori to sleep. He was so exhausted. Constantly pushing himself past his limit and he wondered when he would break down. 

Will he make it another year?

Would he even make it to the new year? 

“Here you go, babe.” Yuu’s hushed voice brought him out of his brain fog. A mug had been placed before him while Yuu stood across from him. The guitarist leaned against the counter as he took small sips from his own mug. The liquid was scalding hot but he was too on edge to wait any longer. 

“Thank you.” He blew on the hot liquid for a few seconds before having a sip. “It’s perfect.”

“Not as perfect as you.” Yuu winked at Takanori to get him to laugh. It was his goal every single day to at least make his boyfriend laugh once. 

“Oh, fucking stop it.” Takanori scolded him but the smile forming on his lips was a clear contrast to his tone. He would never admit that he enjoyed the cheesy things that Yuu told him. The truth is that Takanori only trusted Yuu. He knew that Yuu wouldn’t lie to him. 

Even when he knew in his heart that Yuu would never lie to him. It felt strange that another person could see him as attractive or desirable. Takanori loved the faults in others. The small imperfections that made each and every person unique. 

Why couldn’t he see himself as other people saw him? 

Another shiver ran down Takanori’s spine as he clutched onto his mug. The space heater was running full blast but it didn’t make a difference. He clenched his jaw to the point that his teeth ached and a dull thud started pounding at his temples. Yuu perked up as soon as he heard Takanori’s teeth chatter. 

“Want to sit on the couch? I can grab some blankets.” Yuu’s voice was so kind and caring that it made Takanori feel sick. Like he couldn’t take care of himself. He still agreed to his suggestion and got up from his place at the counter. 

Takanori’s apartment was so small it was only a few paces to the couch that barely fit within the micro space. Unfortunately he did not properly measure before ordering the beast but was too stubborn to return it after spending hours getting it inside. Chic grey suede fabric made it so comfortable that Takanori often found himself sleeping on his couch instead of his bed. 

By the time he sat down in his usual place it felt like his head was swirling around. Dizziness made it difficult to keep his eyes open as he squinted. The headache at his temples momentarily spread to the center of his forehead in a sharp burst. It made his stomach lurch a little as he did his best to concentrate on regulating his breathing so that Yuu did not become worried. 

Takanori was not stupid, he knew how to make himself feel better. If he just ate something he could bring his blood sugar back up, settle his stomach, and maybe shoo away the caffeine headache that was creeping up the back of his neck. Bile started bubbling up and made his throat feel on fire every time he tried to swallow. The seven or so cups of coffee sloshing around wasn’t helping the situation. 

Grabbing one of the fluffy blankets off the back of the couch, Yuu covered the vocalist from the waist down in hopes that would help him stay warm. Watching him settle in and pull the ends further up his chest before bringing his mug up to his lips to take another sip. He grimaced at the taste but didn’t seem to want to put the mug down. Takanori was so pale today and Yuu just wanted to do his best to help.

Yuu wasn’t very romantic or very good at keeping a steady relationship. He often felt like Takanori was the only person to tolerate his bullshit for this long. Everyone else from his past has left as soon as they see just how bad his life was spiraling out of control behind closed doors. 

“Let me help you warm up.” Yuu offered as he sat down. Both of them shifted around so that Yuu laid back with his head against the armrest, Takanori tucked tightly against his side. Both of their coffee cups sitting just an arms reach away on the table. The steam still rose from the plain white mugs and Takanori caught himself zoning out as he stared forward. 

“You’re a furnace.” He commented as he pressed his face into Yuu’s neck. The heat of his skin felt like heaven. Underneath the blanket he pushed his hands under the guitarist’s chunky knit sweater. The muscles of his stomach tensing from icicle fingertips that fanned out and pressed harder. Trying to absorb every bit of warmth that he could. 

Yuu chuckled as he kissed the top of Takanori’s head. “Together we make one normal person’s body heat.” It got his boyfriend to laugh into his neck as Takanori’s hand pinched Yuu’s belly to tickle him. 

“You remember how you told me that you liked me?” Yuu wondered out loud as they stayed curled up together. 

“No, but you know why.” Takanori blushed a bit. 

“You were so drunk. So fucking drunk. I had to carry you home and when I was tucking you into bed you told me ‘you’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen and I’d fuck you if you asked.’ And I’ll remember that for as long as I live.” 

“That’s so embarrassing.” Takanori smacked Yuu’s stomach playfully. 

“Maybe so, but it made me realize I was a fool for not telling you my own feelings sooner. I’m happy to have you in my life.” He paused. “I would love to grow old with you.” 

Takanori felt himself floating a bit, his heart was working extra hard to pump the blood it needed into his limbs. He felt he could faint even from breathing too hard. “I would like that too.” He said with a shaky breath. 

“I’m glad.” Yuu hugged Takanori even closer as he squeezed his arm around his middle. Feeling the dip of his waist as he pulled him tighter against him. “We have to keep ourselves healthy.” 

Several long seconds passed. Takanori knew exactly what Yuu was trying to say without actually saying it. He wanted Takanori to be well. To be without this illness that made him obsess over his image. He wanted Takanori to be normal but that was something he couldn’t even fathom. All the years stuck in this pattern, could he even survive like everyone else? 

“We do, we need to take care of ourselves.” He confirmed this because this was just as much of Takanori’s addiction as it was Yuu’s. Even with their agreement to not bring up their dark secrets it was easy to see when flayed open and on display.

Both of these promises were lies. Always pushing their promises to change their ways to another day. Tomorrow would be better. Maybe the start of next week. This month is really stressful but by the end of the winter I can definitely stop. Lies upon lies upon lies. Stacked and toppling from the uneven weight of their careless actions. Eyes closed and ears covered. Unwilling to know of the destruction that they need to take responsibility for. 

“Will you be ok if I leave for 15 minutes?” Yuu suddenly asked, his coffee could use a little something to loosen his muscles. His jaw has been clenched since he woke up and he could use a little bottle right about now. The sweat beading up on his brow and subtle shakiness of his voice giving away the early signs of not being in control. 

Nodding his head, Takanori faked a smile for Yuu. He knew how to read between the lines. They both were powerless to their demons. 

Slowly they untwisted themselves from their embrace. The cold air of the apartment made Takanori shiver again as he pulled the blanket further up his chest to tuck under his chin. Without his personal furnace it was likely that he would be shivering until he returned.

Yuu was fidgeting a bit as he stood beside the couch staring down at the smaller man. He didn’t want to leave Takanori but he couldn’t quiet his own thoughts that were raging inside his head. Those awful thoughts wanted him to know how worthless he felt in his personal and professional life. How could he even fix Takanori’s problems if he can’t even fix his own? There were so many things piling up one after another that he felt about ready to burst into a nervous fit if he didn’t buy something to stabilize himself. 

“I’ll be fine, can you get me a rice ball?” Takanori asked and Yuu’s eyes lit up. Full of gleeful optimism that Takanori’s chest was heavy with guilt because he knew he was feeding a sense of false hope to Yuu. 

“Of course, what kind would you want?” Yuu was delighted. He knew he shouldn’t get his hopes up but maybe he could get Takanori to just eat something today. One bite of food would ease some of his worries, pulling himself away from the tremble that was starting to vibrate through him. A weird electricity that fired all the wrong signals. 

“Whatever is cheapest, I’m not picky.” He answered curtly as he reached out to take a hold of his mug and take a small sip from it. The coffee was already cooling down and starting to taste tangy. 

“Ok, I’ll be back soon.” Yuu promised as he kissed the top of Takanori’s head. Letting his lips linger a second to ground himself. He was already feeling like the rubberband keeping him under control was snapping. He knew he was pushing his limit and needed to get a hold of the situation before it turned him angry and vial. 

Takanori watched his boyfriend slip on his shoes and go out the door. If he played his cards right he could fall asleep before Yuu returned. The rice ball that Yuu would have excitedly bought for him could wait in the fridge for the next day. 

Takanori would not give up yet. He wanted to make it to 72 hours. His own personal goal and he was determined to make it. He would reward himself at the 72 mark and would feel so proud of himself. The pride was one of the best highs of his life. Almost on par with hearing the fans chanting and singing along as loud as his own voice over the speakers. Both were spine tingling and made him exist outside of reality for just a little bit longer. 

Taking one last quick sip of coffee, he tried to absorb its smidge of warmth before burrowing back under the blanket. Turning on his side and pressing his forehead into the back of the couch. The heat that Yuu had left behind in the suede was rapidly fading. Growing cold against his forehead as he flexed and moved his legs around under the blanket. It was always difficult to get comfortable. His hip was bothering him as it sharply pressed into the cushion but the exhaustion from the day was making his eyelids heavy. It felt like stones were hooked on the ends of his lashes trying to keep them shut. Sleep was always difficult but tonight it was easy. Drifting off within a matter of minutes before Yuu could return. 

Just past the 15 minute mark was when Yuu had returned. Holding a plastic bag with some snacks, the rice ball for Takanori, and a half pint of liquor for himself. Instinctively he went to grab a larger bottle but told himself he was cutting back, opting for the half pint. Feeling a sick sense of pride that he wouldn’t drink as much. Which doesn’t mean shit but he decided not to dwell on it. He would quit soon. He would get better. 

The corners of Yuu’s lips quickly turned into a frown as soon as he noticed that Takanori was asleep. He was certain his boyfriend planned this. It made him angry that he would waste his time like this. Getting his hopes up to just knock them down the second he turned his back. It was always too good to be true. 

Even with the anger rising inside of him, he still could not bring himself to do anything about it. They were dancing around each other’s problems with wool covered eyes. Yuu sat the plastic bag on the counter and started taking the items out. Leaving the rice ball in the fridge and the snacks on the island counter. Finally he broke the seal off his clear liquor and took a hefty swig straight from the bottle. Letting it burn his mouth and throat as he swallowed. It was cheap and left a sour taste in his mouth but he welcomed the way it tingled his gums. Made him feel fuzzy and warm for the first time today as he braced a hand against the counter. 

“When one of us dies, I wonder how long it will be for the other to follow?” Yuu said straight to Takanori’s sleeping form. No reaction. Not that Yuu expected it but he wanted Takanori to feel the severity of their decisions. He wanted Takanori to feel the pain that he tried to snuff out inside his heart. Filling himself up to the brim with as much alcohol as he could. Drowning his conscience before it could even dare to bring up the concerns in their faltering relationship.

The way things were heading someone was going to suffer. Yuu felt like he was watching a train coming straight for them. The headlights blinded their eyes as they clung to one another in fear as if their embrace would protect them from the disasotorise impact. Shaking and sputtering words that neither could make out. It was terrifying and Yuu wasn’t sure how to handle these feelings.

What Yuu didn’t know was that his heavy footfalls had woken Takanori up. The rustling of the bag and clattering of items being placed around the kitchen slowly brought him out of his dreamy state. He pretended to still be asleep. Hoping that Yuu would not try and make him eat. He heard the angry sighs, the unscrewing of the liquor cap, he heard those spiteful words. It made the lump in his throat grow and he swore he would blow his cover with how the tears started falling from his eyes. He pushed his face further into the suede cushion. Letting the fabric soak up his tears as he tried to keep his breathing even. Only when Yuu went outside onto the balcony did he finally let out a shaky sob. 

“I don’t want you to die.” Takanori’s whispers were muffled by the cushion. “I don’t want to die yet.” He let out another quiet sob before sucking in as much air as his lungs could fill. He felt like he was crumbling into dust with the pain that was bearing down on him. He finally knew what Yuu was honestly thinking. What he was hiding so well behind that mask. Over a decade to their friendship but this was the first time Takanori could feel the heaviness of the words that Yuu spoke into the open room. 

Takanori felt so overwhelmed but numb at the same time. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest but he was so frightened. So terrified that he would lose the person he loved because of his own selfish choices. 

Is this what loving someone to death was like?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this very depressing fic. I’ve been working on it for some time. Like most adults, I struggle with a lot of things but it helps to sort them out by writing. I thought about deleting this fic so many times because it truly made me upset revisiting it. Now I am relieved that I could finally finish this and move on. Thank you for reading and I hope it didn’t make anyone too upset.


End file.
